If People Begged for Food like Dogs Do

 

Why a picture from SNL?  Because a few weeks ago SNL ran a similar sketch to the one below.  Only difference is I wrote this sketch several years ago but never did anything with it, when the SNL recent sketch brought it to mind.  Oh well .... 

Characters:

Attorney Hochberg

Attorney Wallace

Mr. Phillips

Voice of Receptionist

Voice of Mr. Brackish

 

A lawyer's office somewhere in the heart of New York City. Two lawyers are sitting around a table in a conference room, numerous papers on the table in front of them.

Mr. Hochberg

I'm so pleased at how swimmingly our negotiations have progressed on the 35-million-dollar merger between our two companies, Amanda. All the areas of merger are fleshed out and agreed upon except the valuation of the Little Rock plant.

Ms. Wallace

So true, Jack, it's been a pleasure working with you. We've hammered out the tax, human resources, and environmental responsibilities in near record time. As soon as the real property appraiser Mr. Phillips gets here, we can nail down our Little Rock issue and we're done.

Mr. Hochberg

Good enough. And we're also waiting for a call from our CEO Mr. Brackish to confirm our understandings and we can button the whole thing up.

Ms. Wallace opens a small package of crackers and puts one in her mouth. Mr. Hochberg's eyes light up. He falls to his knees and walks on his hands and knees over to where Attorney Wallace is sitting.

Mr. Hochberg

Ooooohhhh! May I have some? May I have some crackers, Attorney Wallace?

Ms. Wallace

No, Attorney Hochberg, these are my crackers! They're not for you.

Mr. Hochberg

But I want some! They look so yummy! I haven't eaten since I begged some of the Receptionist's Oreo Cookies ten minutes ago on my way in here!

Ms. Wallace

But these are not Attorney Hochberg's crackers, they're Attorney Wallace’s crackers!

Mr. Hochberg

(whining) Oh, all right. Could have some later, puh-lese?

Ms. Wallace

No! Now go back to your seat.

Mr. Hochberg returns to his seat on his hands and knees, sits in his chair, and regains his composure.

Mr. Hochberg

Now, I don’t think our meeting with the appraiser will take long. He comes highly recommended so I doubt we’ll have many questions about his appraisal.

Ms. Wallace

I agree. Our firm has used him many times before and I’ve always heard his work was right on the money.

Receptionist (over the intercom)

Mr. Hochberg, Ms. Wallace, Mr. Phillips the Appraiser is here.

Mr. Hochberg

Ask him to come in, please.

Mr. Phillips enters.

Ms. Wallace

Welcome, Mr. Phillips. I'm Attorney Wallace and this is Attorney Hochberg.

Mr. Phillips enters and shakes hands with both of them.

Mr. Phillips

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Hochberg.

Mr. Hochberg

Same here, Mr. Phillips,

Mr. Phillips

Ms. Wallace.

Ms. Wallace

Nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Mr. Phillips goes to his seat and produces a bagel from his briefcase.

Mr. Phillips

I hope you two don't mind. I was hungry so I bought myself a bagel (begins eating)

Mr. Hochberg and Ms. Wallace both perk up, get on their hands and knees and walk over to Mr. Phillips.

Ms. Wallace

Please, Mr. Phillips, I love bagels! May I have some? I'm so hungry!

Mr. Hochberg

And me too, Mr. Phillips. I want a bagel! Please, please, please! Just a bite, one bite, one little bite!

Mr. Phillips

No, Attorney Wallace! I said no, Attorney Hochberg. This is my bagel, not yours. This is Appraiser food, not Attorney food!

Ms. Wallace

I promise I'll get our firm to hire you again, many more times!

Mr. Hochberg

And I’ll roll over and play dead!

Mr. Phillips

I said no! You two have to learn not to beg at the conference table!

Mr. Hochberg & Ms. Wallace

Oh, all right.

Both return on their hands and knees to their seats.

Ms. Wallace

Now, Mr. Phillips, to the matter of the appraisal of the Little Rock building, equipment, inventory, and real property.

Mr. Phillips

Yes, I've been to Little Rock and carefully ...

Receptionist

Mr. Brackish is on the phone.

Mr. Hochberg

Put him on the speaker please.

Mr. Brackish

Good morning, Amanda and Jack! Is Mr. Phillips with you too?

Mr. Wallace

Hello, Mr. Brackish. Yes, he’s here and we're proud to say the deal is almost all set except for the signing.

Mr. Brackish

Wonderful! As a celebration, I'm taking all three of you to lunch this afternoon.

Mr. Hochberg and Mr. Phillips perk up.

Mr. Hochberg

Where did you have in mind, sir?

Mr. Brackish

How would you three like the thickest juiciest steak in town at Morton's?

Mr. Hochberg and Mr. Phillips fall to their hands and knees and race for the door.

Mr. Hochberg

Me, me, me, me! Can't wait to have steak!

Mr. Phillips

Big steak, juicy steak, medium rare, gotta have it!

Ms. Wallace

Know what, guys? I think I just evolved. I'm going to skip lunch and get this deal done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Vampire in the Mirror

Note:  This sketch was actually performed, with some decent effect.  But what the hell, Trump is running wild these days, I'm up at night with nothing else going on as usual, so post away!

Characters

Vlad - a narcissistic vampire

Lestat - his friend

 

Scene opens with Vlad looking in a mirror very upset and distraught. 

VLAD

I can’t stand it anymore.  It’s driving me crazy! 

Lestat, another vampire, joins him on stage.

 

LESTAT

OMG!  What’s wrong, Vlad!?  What can be so bad? 

VLAD

I don’t know how I look! I just can’t tell!

 

LESTAT

Of course you can’t tell.  We’re vampires.  We cast no reflection in a mirror.

VLAD

But it isn’t fair, Lestat.  Here I am, 659 years undead and I can’t tell if I’m aging well.  Or not aging well, as it were!

LESTAT

So what?

 

VLAD

Last night I was about to bite a young lady in the neck who was asleep in her bed and she woke up and began screaming. Loud bloodcurdling screams! Why would she scream like that?!!

LESTAT

Because you’re a vampire.

VLAD

Yes, but …

LESTAT

About to bite her in the neck and drain her of all her life sustaining fluids.

VLAD

Well, there is that. But how do I know it isn’t my looks that are turning the ladies off?!  How do I know I’m not turning into the John C. Riley of vampires?

LESTAT

That’s silly, Vlad. What makes you think all this?

VLAD

I ran into Victor recently and I said to him “Victor, I haven’t seen you since the Bubonic Plague.  My, you look great!” And you know what he said to me? 

LESTAT

 No, what?

VLAD

How ‘bout dem Phillies? 

Changes the subject right away.

LESTAT

Maybe he is a big Phillies fan!

VLAD

I happen to know he lives in New Jersey. He’s always talking about how he’d love to sink his teeth into that delicious morsel Chris Christie!!!

 

LESTAT

OMG, he would be delicious!

VLAD

But isn’t there some rule or law that when someone compliments your looks, you have to reciprocate?

LESTAT

Never heard of such a thing. Get a grip, Vlad!

VLAD

But, Lestat, whenever I run into any of my fellow vampires they react as though I was wearing a humongous Christian cross.

LESTAT

Vlad, of course they react that way.  You live in Lower Merion. Most of your vampire friends are Jewish.

VLAD

But I wanna be cute, just like I was during the Spanish Inquisition!  Tell me, Lestat:  am I Brad Pitt or Nosferatu?

LESTAT

I couldn’t say.  You’re just gonna have to forget  about all this Vlad. As a vampire, you’re never going to be able to see how you look.

 

But I want to look good.  I’ve so much at stake!

 LESTAT

Stake?! Don’t say the word “Stake, Vlad!”

VLAD

Sorry, sorry!  Okay, say, wanna grab a quick bite? We can jump on  a couple of dudes in South Philly.

LESTAT

No, thank you.  I … uh … the folks there eat so much spicey food they all have garlic breath.

VLAD

Okay, see you soon, I’m off.

 

VLAD leaves the stage.

LESTAT

Thank God he left!  Having to eat and look at the guy at the same time would disgust just about everyone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

If You Build It

 

Note:  Here's another unsold pilot of mine, a sketch nobody really liked so I'm parking it here. Most people will recognize this movie though some Gen Zers may not. But who the hell am I kidding? The chance the a Gen Zer might wander into here is as likely as Scarlett Johansson leaving Colin Jost for me.

Actually probably even less likely.

Characters:

The Voice

Perry

Herbie

VOICE

(Whispering)

If you build it, he will come.

PERRY

I’m sorry … I can’t hear you.

VOICE

(Louder; sarcastic)

If you build it, he will come.

PERRY

Better!  But who … who … are you?

VOICE

I’m the Voice from the movie Field of Dreams that encourages Kevin Costner to build a baseball diamond from which Shoeless Joe Jackson appears and touches his life in unique and miraculous ways!

PERRY

Oh, of course, I love that movie! I guess what you’re saying is you want me to build a baseball diamond too.

VOICE

Nah, I nailed that one the first time.  Let’s try something new.

PERRY

Okay.  Then … a football stadium?

VOICE

You’re going to build a football stadium?   I’m sure the Linc is just worried sick about the competition!

PERRY

Basketball court then?  

VOICE

I already had a guy build one of those. 

PERRY

And after he built it, who came?

VOICE

Wilt Chamberlain.   

PERRY

Oh, damn!  Sorry to miss that one.

VOICE

Yeah, it was epic.

PERRY

So then, a hockey rink?

 VOICE

No way I’m springing for a Zamboni.

PERRY

Fussball Table?  

VOICE

No! No! No!  Though I do love those spinners on Fuss ball.

 

PERRY

What then?

VOICE

 A pickleball court.

 

PERRY

A pickleball court?  Why?

 

VOICE

It’s getting really popular these days. Build it, and he will come.

 

PERRY

Who will come?

VOICE

Sorry, I never give that away this early.

 

PERRY

But how do I build it?  I don’t know anything about it.

 

VOICE

Google it.

PERRY

How could I go wrong? After all, Field of Dreams was a heck of a movie.

 

BLACKOUT

 

PERRY

(Banging with a hammer, stops, and sighs as he finishes)

Well, it’s taken me a year but I googled it, ordered the tooling, supplies, and I got me a pickleball court here.  You hear me, Voice?

 

VOICE

Great! You have built it and he will come.

 

PERRY

Super!

 

A slovenly figure appears.

 

GUY

Hey, how youse doin’?

 

PERRY

Who are you?

 

GUY

Herbie Blitzstein.

 

PERRY

Voice? Hey, Voice!

 

VOICE

Yes?

 

PERRY

What’s the deal? Who is this guy?

 

VOICE

That’s my brother-in-law Herbie.  Anything to get that bum outta the house.

 

PERRY

That’s who I built it for?! That’s the “if you build it, he will come” guy?!!

‘

VOICE

You do everything some random disembodied voice asks you to?

 

PERRY

But it all worked out so well in Field of Dreams!

 

VOICE

Yeah, well, I like to see who’s gullible enough to build these things.  It’s fun.

 

PERRY

Now what do I do with him?!

 

VOICE

You’ll be fine as long as you have a guestroom and an endless supply of beer. Well, dude, I’m off.

 

PERRY

Where ya goin’?

VOICE

Off to con some poor sucker into building me a Fussball Table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Dope About Alcohol

 

Recently the government has advised us that even a modest amount of alcohol consumption may increase one's chances of developing cancer and contracting a host of other health problems.  

Of course this was before the CDC came to be run by a man who doesn't know the difference between Medicare and Medicaid, between vaccines and vacillating about vaccines, and between his ass and his elbow.

But just prior to that time the government was newly advising us  that the Big Three causes of cancer were now Smoking, Obesity, and that up-and-comer Alcohol. It was even suggested that warning labels should be placed on bottles of your favorite alcoholic drink similar to those that appear on a pack of cigarettes.

In fact, we could combine all the warnings into one, like ..

Don't Smoke

Don't Eat

Don't Drink

Face It, Buddy, You're Fucked!

And I don't disagree with any of this.

I never smoked tobacco and I've alway been thin, but I have been known to hoist a pint or two in my day, and my day hasn't been that many days ago and those pints haven't always skidded to a stop at two.

In my early twenties I was addicted to pot (we called it dope back then), and yes, I did enjoy it but mostly I was trying to escape from those things in life that I ought never to have wanted to escape from but should have welcomed.

In my late twenties I was addicted to quaaludes, and yes, I did enjoy  them but mostly I was trying to escape from those things in life that I ought never to have wanted to escape from but should have welcomed.

In my early seventies I was addicted to alcohol, and yes, I did enjoy it but mostly I was trying to escape from Demon Regret over those things in life I escaped from that I ought never to have wanted to escape from but should have welcomed.

Whew!

You get the drift.

All of which has nothing whatsoever to do with whether alcohol or dope or quaaludes cause cancer or not. 

Maybe it's wanting to escape that ought to come with a warning label.

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